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I'm not a white picket fence girl. I'm more of a wrought iron woman or a tall solid stone wall that would surround my compound. You know my compound. The one I'll have someday when I actually complete my book and sell it. Anyway, back to that stereotypical dream of the white picket fence.

I had a conversation recently with a friend who stated, "I'm not about the white picket fence, that whole suburban thing with kids. It's not what I want." I detected a note of disdain in her voice. She might as well as said, "Blech!" and spit after that sentence. At first it made me angry because after all I live in suburbia and I tote T.D. around on a daily basis. I go to the community pool and take walks on the trails in my 'hood. I took what she said personally. As if it's ok for those other people who aren't smart enough to live that life, but it simply was not for her. She is above that. After a bit I caught myself. It's not me either. While I live in suburbia and I'm probably judged as a "oh she's just a stay at home mom" meaning I must be boring by some people out there (which really just gets in my craw) it's not me.

That whole tiny sentence that didn't even pertain to me but it got me on a whole track of inward thinking. I don't respect what I do. I have issues within me about my status as a mother. I feel that in one instance if I were to just give myself over to motherhood I would be lost in the mire of the mundane. Because let's face it motherhood can be pretty boring at times. I would lose myself. Only to be seen as another capri pant wearing, Old Navy shopping, organic food shoving suburban Mom. To quote Jerry Seinfeld, "not that there's anything wrong with that." There isn't. I just can't give myself over to it. Only on alternate Wednesdays or something.

I've often felt that if I just stopped questioning my roles in life it would all be so much easier. Stop thinking of how you look as a mother who doesn't really feel like she should be a mother, it's all an act. I'm not old enough or fun enough. Stop thinking that if I quit running my mouth about my staunch beliefs I would be a lot more rested. What if instead of going into mourning for the world as a teenager I just sat back and hung out? Maybe it would have been a more fun existence. Maybe if I didn't yell expletives at the University President in college and constantly fought against that system I would not have been called "Psycho Girl" by my classmates. Could I just give myself over to what I percieve to be a simple, complacent and mediocre life? Because that is what society seems to believe family life and the suburban lifestyle is about.

They plug it and disdain it at the same time. You move out to the burbs. You pop out some kids. You lose perspective and become a drone. A slave to the machine of wanting more and judging others by what they have and you have not. A cynical view perhaps, but in essence it's what I believe we are really saying in our whole media blizted mess. City people are cool, edgy, open-minded and worldly. The excitement never stops for them. You know just like it does for singles? The country/suburban folks stop reading and become mush. We only care about how shiny are car is or something. I HATE THAT IDEA.

I HATE that it's come into my way of thinking. I hate that I ponder my role as a mother so much. I chose to do what I believe to be the best avenue for our family and for me and I know I'm judged on that. I'm perceived in a way I abhor. There really is no point to this whole mish-mash of ramblings. It's just me getting out my own junk and trying to sort through it. I clearly have issues with how I think I'm judged by others. Which shouldn't even matter. I never thought about any of this until I had T.D. Now I wonder all the time if I'm going soft. If we should move out of the burbs and into the city. If becoming a mother has sucked away parts of me. Because sometimes I'm too tired to fight anymore and that makes me a bit sad. My passion for things is a tiny bit less because so much of my energy goes into being a mother.

In some ways though I guess it also keeps me questioning things. Just instead of questioning the outside world it's more questioning the inside me. Who really wants to go there on a regular basis?